• Flux Magazine

Katie Silva's "In my head everyone loves me but still I choose myself"

In my daydream

the boy who’s been dancing in my periphery

is confessing his love

and by “confessing his love”

I mean

he’s asking me out

but nicely

semi-formally

saying “I’m really into you,

would you like to go on a date with me?”


and I will put my hand

gently on his hand

which is on my knee

because we are sitting,

face to face,

on the edge of his bed

and I will tell him no.


In my daydream

he wants me to finish every sentence

so he listens, patient yet heartbroken,

as I explain “choosing myself” and

“unhealthy codependence” and being

“deliberately alone”

but we can still hang out

if he wants to

and of course, he says yes, and of course,

we’re all good

credits rolling on my fantasy


and of course,

none of this will really happen.


It’s just that

I want to be wanted


and I want to be loved

and I want to tell someone about my Big Decision to be Single

(after getting dumped)

but someone who will care

someone who it will impact


I want the chance to truly choose myself

to know this isn’t just me

making the best of a shitty situation

to know that I am strong enough

to know that I will stick to my principles if it were to come up

even though

it will never come up


I suppose

It’s hard to feel like you’re making a change

if you never get the chance

to prove it.

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