• Flux Magazine

"Banished Into Darkness" by Shelby Liddicoey

The darkness overtook me. Around me stood a vast array of nothingness. How could this have happened? How did I lose? I thought I did everything right, but yet again I stand here as I did before...with nothing...with no one. I paced the throughout the darkness, going no where in particular but hoping I would end up somewhere. I had to get out of this shadow or at the very least find a piece of an idea to save myself. I turned my attention back to my thoughts, maybe there was something there. 

Maybe he was right, maybe I’m really not good enough, maybe no one will ever love me...but I can’t go back. I can’t undo the damage that’s been done. I can not be who I was before. But how do I move on? How do I escape from this hole I’ve found myself so deep inside? Does no one hear me screaming? Does no one care? Am I alone? Is someone else here with me? If I run and never stop, will I eventually get out? Or will I be forever alone in the dark? I pulled myself away from my thoughts realizing I had just opened pandora’s box. I was on my knees, shaking. Black tears ran down my cheeks and stung my eyes only causing them to flow faster. 

I tried to focus on something other than my thoughts and found myself studying the detailing of my hands. Crescent moon scars and faded ink from times before reminded me of what I was like before all this, but that’s all it was...memories. I tried to focus on the things that once made me happy but for now they elude me. How could they abandoned me in my time of need? Why do I feel like this? Where did I go wrong? What the Fuck is wrong with me!?! I am the only common denominator. It...it...must be me. 

I find myself bawling into the darkness, lying on the floor unable to move, alone with my

thoughts, waiting for someone to save me, for I am too far gone to save myself.

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