"49ers versus Covid-19" by Luke Gover
Professional Football is somehow back this year despite the amassed threat presented by COVID-19 against NFL staff members. Players meanwhile have managed to build up immunity through pure will and utter grit. As a result, the players can step out onto the gridiron, swap sweat, and go home as if nothing unusual had occurred. As for the coaches, referees, and other staff members, they are sure to dawn their face coverings or face the consequences.
Just ask the head coach of the 49ers, Kyle Shanahan, who failed to wear his face covering the entire game on September 20th against the New York Jets. Sorry coach, but no exceptions can be made during times like these. Shanahan was fined $100,000, and the franchise was fined $250,000, just enough to keep the virus at bay. The following week, players on the Minnesota Vikings and Tennessee Titans tested positive for the virus, likely due to Coach Shanahan’s inability to wear his mask during the game. A local health official spoke on the matter, “Coach Shanahan’s actions were frowned upon by the COVID-19 powers that be. In med school, we were taught about this form of transmission. To put it in football terms, it is like how Jimmy Garappolo passes the football to a wide receiver, but instead, it is caught by the opposing team!” Every single one of the football fans at The Flux Magazine let out an audible gasp at this moment. Outraged by this realization, I..uh..I mean the fans said this is very unlike Shanahan, he typically calls safe passing plays well within 10 yards. “You can never be too safe, just run the ball, even with most of your team on injured reserve,” said our health expert at Flux Magazine.
Even today, the 49ers are paying the price for their carefree behavior towards the novel virus. About one-fourth of the team’s salary cap is going towards players on the injured reserve. Perhaps the most notable absence is defensive lineman Nick Bosa, who tore his ACL the very same game that Coach Shanahan failed to wear his mask. Of course, we are not insinuating that the virus caused Bosa to tear his ACL, but you can never be too sure. Even recently, the Washington State Health Department said it counted three homicides in the state’s official COVID-19 mortality count. It just goes to show we have no idea what this virus does to people’s bodies; to some a slight cough, others a gunshot wound. Luckily, the players have continued on nearly halfway through the season with no homicides (possibly a record), again likely due to their utter grit and sheer strength.